Ice Spiders – USA, 2011 – reviews

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‘They thought Melrose Place had vicious backbiting. They haven’t seen anything yet.’

Ice Spiders is a 2007 American made-for-television science fiction horror film directed by Tibor Takács (The Gate; MosquitoMan; Spiders) from a screenplay by Eric Miller (Night Skies; Swamp Shark; Dog Soldiers: The Legacy).

Main cast:

Patrick Muldoon (Stigmata; Bad KarmaLittle Dead Rotting Hood), Vanessa Williams (Candyman), Thomas Calabro, David Millbern (The Slumber Party Massacre; Chupacabra TerrorHush Up Sweet Charlotte), Noah Bastian, Carleigh King, Stephen J. Cannell, Matt Whittaker, Clayton Taylor, Charles Halford, Steve Bilich, Kiernan Ryan Daley, Cory McMillan, Connie Young, Marc Raymond.

Review:

You’d think Ice Spiders, a movie about genetically-supersized spiders skittering across a popular ski mountain, eating people and slicing them in half, would be cool. But like putting your face in a microwave oven, it only sounds cool.

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A top-secret government lab so secret, they had to make its scientists pinky swear not to tell anyone that they gene-spliced DNA from a prehistoric arachnid into several marketable brands of today spiders and force-fed them steroids and cupcakes.

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They wanted to harvest the spider’s webbing for new coats that bullets couldn’t perforate. And to pet them with gloves on. They do this at a lab high up in the snow-covered mountains because spiders don’t groove on the cold, and therefore would – in theory – be contained if one or more should get out.

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But these are honkingly big spiders, the size of go-karts with eight-wheels – and the cold just makes ’em hungrier. With the grocery store all out of Purina Ice Spider Chow™, these bugs get to buggin’ and go after skiers like they were Gore-tex™ flavoured Slim Jims™.

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Throw in a limp bacon back story involving a washed-up ski instructor (who used to be a marine for twelve years), an Olympic Ski Team up on the mountain to do some two-legged sliding, the obligatory mad scientist and some ‘tough’ military guys who run around in the ice-cold snow in just T-shirts, and you have a sci-fi movie formula so tiresome, your TV will actually fall asleep while showing it.

Jeff Gilbert, guest reviewer via Drinkin’ & Drive-In

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Buy: Amazon.com | Amazon.co.uk

More reviews:

“The story by Eric Miller (Night Skies, 2007) is as predictable as they get, and strictly by-the-numbers. What makes the whole watching experience a bit more endurable is the fact that there is quite a bloodbath, as we’re talkin’ R-rated material here.” Christos Mouroukis, Monster! Issue 23

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Buy: Amazon.com | Amazon.co.uk

“It has lots of fun moments but also has that “been there, seen that” feel to it.  So I recommend this one to people who really hate spiders. They will definitely creep you out and get under your skin.” Anything Horror

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Buy: Amazon.com

Related:

Arachnophobia: Spiders on the Screen – article

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