NOAH’S SHARK (2021) Reviews of Mark Polonia’s failed attempt to be satirical

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‘Get to higher ground’
Noah’s Shark is a 2021 American horror film about a fame-seeking televangelist and his film crew team seeking the fabled Noah’s Ark. However, he discovers that the Ark is guarded by both an ancient curse and a prehistoric great white shark.

Written and directed by Mark Polonia (Sharkula; Camp Murder; Shark Encounters of the Third Kind; Return to Splatter FarmBride of the WerewolfGhost of Camp BloodBigfoot vs. ZombiesFeeders; plus many more).

The movie stars Jeff Kirkendall, Tim Hatch (Sharkula; Frozen Sasquatch; Amityville Island), Jamie Morgan (Virus Shark; Halloween Horror Tales; It Kills: Camp Blood 7), Samantha Coolidge (Dune World; Children of Camp Blood) and Ryan Dalto.

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Our review:
Noah’s Shark has an amusing title but that’s where the fun ends. Jeff Kirkendall and Ryan Dalton have some minor chemistry together and are better than many of the actors in Mark Polonia’s productions but their seemingly endless dialogue exchanges are far from entertaining.

Meanwhile, there’s a brief interlude involving the supposedly haunted Hinsdale House that seems to have been edited in from another movie. But the less said about the silly shark and model ark the better. And there is so much repeated stock footage! Unfortunately, even at just 72 minutes, this talky nonsense is difficult to get through unless you are a Mark Polonia convert and will watch any dull drivel he spews out.
Adrian J Smith

MOVIES and MANIA rating:

Other reviews:
“We have a witch’s curse, a botched exorcism […] (she really was possessed; the Devil lied), Noah in an off-the-rack Spirit Halloween get up, his shipwrights-chosen son Japheth tempted by a talking demon shark that’s pissed it didn’t get a spot on the Ark, a “haunted” hunk of 2×4 from retrieved from Mountain Ararat*˟, and an Ark that makes the Templar’s schooner of Amando de Ossorio’s The Ghost Galleon look positively real.” B&S About Movies

” …Noah’s Shark was slow and offers few payouts, so there isn’t a lot to praise here. The emphasis is on long-winded, dull exposition that tries to be humorous at times, but comes off as dusty and plodding in most scenes. I had expected a wild, over-the-top movie, so this was quite a shock to those expectations, but even adjusting for what the movie wants to do, this is a rather boring effort from Polonia.” Marc Fusion

“Sharks aside, don’t hold your breath for animals either. Noah’s Shark can’t afford its gimmicks. The shortcuts taken underwhelm the audience. We wouldn’t mind if we laughed more. There are tonal shifts. It’s sometimes a comedy and sometimes a drama. It’s many things, but it’s not what the title suggests.” Tales of Terror

Noah’s Shark isn’t that much different from many of Polonia’s other films in its basic structure. Small cast, bad/cheesy effects, lots of walking around locations that look nothing like where the film is set, etc. The difference is this time enough effort was put into the script and shooting to make it fun […] It’s the kind of film he should be making more often instead of the utter crap he more frequently grinds out.” Voices from the Balcony

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“The structure, music, themes which revolve around reality television and the paranormal, narration, and small cast are sheer Polonia formula. Regardless, Noah’s Shark remains one of the better current films of the cinematic auteur. This is primarily because the exercise knows exactly what it is and what theater patrons expect from it. On that front, it delivers.” Without Your Head

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