‘They thought Melrose Place had vicious backbiting. They haven’t seen anything yet.’
Ice Spiders is a 2007 American made-for-television science-fiction horror feature film directed by Tibor Takács (The Gate; MosquitoMan; Spiders) from a screenplay by Eric Miller (Night Skies; Swamp Shark).
The movie stars Patrick Muldoon (Stigmata; Bad Karma; Little Dead Rotting Hood), Vanessa Williams (Candyman), Thomas Calabro, David Millbern (The Slumber Party Massacre; Chupacabra Terror; Hush Up Sweet Charlotte), Noah Bastian, Carleigh King, Stephen J. Cannell, Matt Whittaker, Clayton Taylor, Charles Halford, Steve Bilich, Kiernan Ryan Daley, Cory McMillan, Connie Young, Marc Raymond.
You’d think Ice Spiders, a movie about genetically-supersized spiders skittering across a popular ski mountain, eating people and slicing them in half, would be cool. But like putting your face in a microwave oven, it only sounds cool.
A top-secret government lab so secret, they had to make its scientists pinky swear not to tell anyone that they gene-spliced DNA from a prehistoric arachnid into several marketable brands of today spiders and force-fed them steroids and cupcakes.
They wanted to harvest the spider’s webbing for new coats that bullets couldn’t perforate. And to pet them with gloves on. They do this at a lab high up in the snow-covered mountains because spiders don’t groove on the cold, and therefore would – in theory – be contained if one or more should get out.
But these are honkingly big spiders, the size of go-karts with eight-wheels – and the cold just makes ’em hungrier. With the grocery store all out of Purina Ice Spider Chow™, these bugs get to buggin’ and go after skiers like they were Gore-tex™ flavoured Slim Jims™.
Throw in a limp bacon back story involving a washed-up ski instructor (who used to be a marine for twelve years), an Olympic Ski Team up on the mountain to do some two-legged sliding, the obligatory mad scientist and some ‘tough’ military guys who run around in the ice-cold snow in just T-shirts, and you have a sci-fi movie formula so tiresome, your TV will actually fall asleep while showing it.
Jeff Gilbert, guest reviewer via Drinkin’ & Drive-In
“The story by Eric Miller (Night Skies, 2007) is as predictable as they get, and strictly by-the-numbers. What makes the whole watching experience a bit more endurable is the fact that there is quite a bloodbath, as we’re talkin’ R-rated material here.” Christos Mouroukis, Monster! Issue 23
“It has lots of fun moments but also has that “been there, seen that” feel to it. So I recommend this one to people who really hate spiders. They will definitely creep you out and get under your skin.” Anything Horror
Full film free to watch online: