Things is a 1989 horror film in which an impotent husband forces his wife to undergo a dangerous pregnancy experiment because of his fanatical desire to have children. The result: the birth of a multitude of monstrous things!
This Canadian indie production was written and produced by Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis and directed by Jordan.
Marking the mainstream film debut of naughty movie star Amber Lynn Things has a bizarre minor cult following of fans who call themselves “Things-ites”. Meanwhile, some critics have argued that it might be the worst commercially released film of all time.
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Our review:
This is one of the most incomprehensible 85 minutes of film ever released, but the basic story involves two Canadian dicks (Barry J. Gillis as Don, Bruce Roach as Fred), who turn up at Don’s brother’s house for a few beers, only to find it seemingly empty.
After they have played a cassette tape of evil sounds and leafed through a book of (unseen) ritual atrocities – both of which they find in the fridge – brother Doug (Doug Bunston) turns up to explain that his wife is pregnant with mutant monsters that burst out of her stomach, the result of some dodgy fertility treatment by a Doctor Lucas (Jan W. Pachul).
As these Things start to infest the house, the survivors do what anyone would do in such a situation – they sit around in the kitchen drinking and holding random conversations. Eventually, some stuff happens and some other people turn up and it all finally comes to a merciful end.
Shot on 8mm and post-dubbed later, Things is almost entirely incoherent. The editing is so spectacularly ham-fisted that it quickly becomes impossible to follow what is happening – though for the most part, what is happening is ‘nothing’.
Instead, we get truly awful actors going through assorted mood swings, muttering and shouting nonsensical dialogue and occasional bursts of horror, all shot in what I assume is Dario Argento-inspired but badly executed swathes of red and blue.
The film lurches from moment to moment, at one point cutting in an unexplained and unconnected gory torture/mutilation scene, and the ‘action’ is punctuated with footage of adult movie star Amber Lynn as a reporter, reading out contradictory news reports about how the hapless pair have been missing for sixteen days or discovered safe and well, despite all the action taking place on one night and not ending well for most of the cast. Lynn reads her dialogue from a cue card that is positioned to her left, so her eyeline is continually off. Yet she’s still the best performer here.
Things is riddled with movie references that are crowbarred in with a remarkable lack of finesse – The Evil Dead, The Last House on the Left, George Romero and Traci Lords all get name-checked, and the “things” are like a very poor man’s Deadly Spawn.
The cast appears to be wasted, and that would certainly be an explanation for the post-production style too. This is the sort of film where someone will take his coat off and put it in the freezer and it doesn’t seem odd. It’s a film where the reaction to your sister-in-law giving birth to monsters is to sit around the kitchen chatting, and where we can spend five minutes watching the heroes looking at the ceiling. This kids, is your brain on drugs. It’s an artistic abomination by any normal standards, and yet…
Many films are bad, and some films are so bad they’re good. Things is neither – despite what some critics have said, this is just too slow, too incompetent and too confused to work at a bad movie night gathering.
Rather, Things is a film that somehow moves beyond mere badness to become something of a fever-dream experience. It’s the only film I’ve seen that captures, however accidentally, the fractured, nonsensical nature of a nightmare.
The production style, the story and the lack of dramatic development suggest that all those involved were entirely unfamiliar with how movies work – it’s as if you’ve given a camera and several reels of film to people who had never actually seen a film before and told them to shoot a horror movie. As such, it becomes a curious slice of ‘outsider art’.
Undoubtedly dreadful by any conventional standards, yet a very pure expression of creativity that remains utterly unique. You simply couldn’t make a film like this by trying to.
So, while not exactly a rewarding experience, Things certainly deserves to be seen, if only to subsequently decide it was good enough to show the world. And hell, Things got a 1989 VHS release and was later released as a special edition DVD, so who’s had the last laugh?
David Flint, MOVIES & MANIA – Visit David’s uncompromising website The Reprobate for more rabid reviews
External recommended reviews of Things:
Cinema Sewer
Creature Features [YouTube]
Movie Timelines [YouTube]
The Video Graveyard
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Notes:
Not to be confused with the 1993 American movie Things.
